The George Lucas Usenet Archive
Re: Request for George Lucas
From: email@example.com (George Lucas)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.starwars, rec.arts.sf.starwars.collecting.misc, rec.arts.sf.starwars.misc
Subject: Re: Request for George Lucas
Date: Mon, 05 Jul 1999 05:53:43 GMT
Organization: Lucasfilm, Ltd.
Summary: I'm George Lucas
Keywords: gay laserdisc
firstname.lastname@example.org wrote in <email@example.com>:
Please stop selling your movies on videocassettes and never sell your movies on DVD. Only sell your movies on Laserdiscs because Laserdiscs are better. If you only sell your movies on Laserdiscs, then your fans will watch your movies on their THX home theaters to their greatest poential.
Dear Star Wars fan,
Hello, I'm George Lucas. I appreciate your comments regarding the format that future editions of the Star Wars saga will appear on. At the moment I am spending every waking moment overseeing the new "Star Wars: Special Special Edition", so I thought I would pause briefly to reply to your concerns here on Usenet, which I spend several hours each day reading.
I have decided that the final repository for the Star Wars saga will be a new medium entirely, a 3x3 inch biochemical cube capable of holding 100,000 terabytes of data. I have thought long and hard over this and believe that only this format is appropriate for the distriubution of my movies. I am happy to report that the bio-cube will be in most American homes by the year 2053. That's less than 60 years away, so there is plenty of time to plan your home entertainment center around it!
I suggest not purchasing any VHS cassettes, laserdiscs, DVDs, or any other movie format so as to give the bio-cube a foothold in the marketplace. The good news is my remake of Return of the Jedi should be done by the time the bio-cube takes off. This remake will feature an all-new CGI human character named Scrota--the first totally gay character to appear in a Star Wars film. The fans have demanded diversity, and so have I.
I know I am on the record stating that Episode 3 will be the least-viewed and least-enjoyed movie in the saga. I would like to revise those comments and state that, without a doubt, Return of the Jedi: Mark II will be even less viewed and less enjoyed than any other film I have been involved with. Not only will the various gay sex "money shots" turn off legions of fans, but my replacement of the Ewoks with a tribe of talking ducks will ensure record lows at the box office. From the moment I first drafted the screenplay for Star Wars, I knew it would come down to this. Hopefully I have prepared you all for the shock.
Thank you for continuing to support my vision of Star Wars without exception, without discrimination, without complaint. It has been a long journey and I am glad that someone was willing to walk beside me throughout it. Your support is truly heartwarming, even though it will one day evaporate as I perpetrate a monstrous effigy to my own hubris with Return of the Jedi: Mark II. It means a lot to me.