The George Lucas Usenet Archive

I believe my own hype
From: George Lucas
Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.starwars.misc
Subject: I believe my own hype
Organization: Lucasfilm, Ltd.
Date: Wed, 26 Jul 2000 01:14:19 -0500
Dear Star Wars Fans,

It is I, George Lucas. It has been awhile since I posted to this newsgroup, but it's been time well spent. During the past month I've been traveling across the country in a van with my buddy, Steven Spielberg. Our adventures in many a sleepy little town or backwater burg have been the stuff of Americana--like the time we saved a little community from being terrorized by a bunch of fat, middle-aged Hell's Angels, or the time Steven and I helped a gay man organize his rummage sale.

Admittedly, there were downs as well as ups--the Hell's Angels beat the shit out of us, and the gay man used the proceeds of his sale to buy skin-tight leather uniforms for his Cub Scout troup--but, all in all, it was mostly about spreading joy. I can't count the number of times I made people excited by walking into a greasy spoon or coffee shop and loudly declaring, "I'm George Lucas! Hey, look at me!" I felt like I was Michael Landon in "Highway to Heaven". And with all the medication I'm on now, I sometimes believe that.

Still, I was glad to get back to Skywalker Ranch and the coccoon of fawning servility, where no one ever laughs when I do my little dance. While I was having all my collars let out once again by my personal tailor, I thought back on my experiences and realized, perhaps for the first time, just how much I believe my own hype. I can no longer distinguish absurdly pompous press releases from reality. And that will mean that changes to Episode 2 must be made, starting now.

First, I will be the only one allowed to write any of the screenplay or ideas. Second, I am taking on the role of dashing Jedi Master Scott Crappe, the new protagonist in Episode 2 who wins the heart of Princess Armadillo and enjoys many a ribald bedroom tryst with that fresh young beauty (look for the adult version on VHS). Third, I am going to run for president in a late, Perot-style bid to bypass press scrutiny while taking full advantage of total idiots who will vote for anyone. With the entire federal budget at my disposal, Star Wars Episode 3 will become a grotesque extravaganza of waste, with CGI-modeled muppets, an all-nude song and dance routine featuring a revivified George Peppard, and a $100 billion space combat scene with real ships. By law all citizens will be required to watch Episode 1 until ticket sales finally exceed Titanic. Robert Ebert will be put to death as an example.

I know that all this can happen, because my frightened minions nervously agree that it can. And you, my loyal fans, can help me pull this off. Believe my hype, do whatever you can to advance my schemes, and pray to me as your God. For that is what I have become!


George Walton Lucas