Adam Burakowski wrote in <[email protected]>:

George Lucas wrote:

Thank you for the suggestion. I always strive to find the best possible options and technology to release my films on. Since die-hard home theater fans have been asking for a digital version my "The Phantom Menace," I do plan on answering their cries. An Episode 1 Laserdisc special edition will be released along side its VHS counterpart on April 4th, 2000. Happy watching!

Aw, I really hope this isn't the same fake George Lucas as in RASSM, that one's actually funny...if it is the same one, you're losing your touch man.

Adam Burakowski

Dear Mr. Burakowski,

I am the real George Lucas, not the fake one. Yes, I do from time to time post messages to various newsgroups such as rec.arts.sf.starwars.misc in order to answer the questions of my fans and stay in touch with their concerns. It is no laughing matter to me. Why is it so hard to believe that I can partake of the humble pleasures of chatting with those who worship me? Let me assure you otherwise.

Frankly, it is ironic that amid accusations that I am detached and out of touch with the fans, I spend almost twelve hours a day surfing the 'Net, reading newsgroups, web pages, and sometimes just relaxing as one adoring tribute after another appears on my computer screen. It's a busy schedule, leaving only ten hours of sleep and upwards of 20 minutes to flesh out the screenplay for Episode Two, but it is worth it. You should see the smile on my face after I have spent all day reading the wonderful compliments of the fans!

I and my staff of brutally efficient former LA policemen take impersonators like the one above very seriously. While it is true that I have a heart of mercy, I must add that my hirelings are another matter. Hardened by years on the street and emotionally deadened by the gratuitous hatred they learned on the police force, they will destroy this fake George Lucas with a sickening relish unheard of save in remote tribes of inbred beast-men. Their leader, Jiminez, is at my side constantly, and guards me with unthinking zeal. He once put a choke hold on my adopted daughter Amanda when she asked for my autograph. Amanda, as you know, is the daughter I had digitally enhanced in various home movies.

Let me at last address the issue that has caused this imposter to seek to spread untruths about the Lucas empire. Regarding a DVD edition of A Phantom Menace: my companies have developed a new storage medium that will replace DVD and perhaps even the human brain. It is a 3x3 inch organic cube christened the Lucasium. It can hold up to 100 trillion terabytes of data, and will, in about 60 years, become the new universal super-medium. Everything--computer data, movies, albums, even lifelike digitalized representations of "books"--will be stored on the Lucasium bio-cube. Already a prototype bio-cube is being developed to hold my "essence" should my physical body fail me before this wondrous invention is finished.

For this reason, I cannot support DVD or Laserdisc. One DVD could not even store my final four hour cut of Star Wars, let alone the hours upon hours of commentary, special effects shots, and an emotional tirade against my ex-wife Marcia (the documentary canned by ABC called "Which Way to Heartache, You Bitch?"). I want nothing but the best for the fans, which means that I will only release A Phantom Menace on the traditional media of VHS and ViewMaster stereoscopic discs.

As I once told the producers of "Buck Rogers in the 25th Century" when they flaunted their obvious C-3PO rip-off, Twiki, "It's my way or the highway." The fake George Lucas had better watch out.

May the Force be with you all day long,

G. L.