The George Lucas Usenet Archive
The George Lucas Fan Club
From: email@example.com (George Lucas)
Subject: The George Lucas Fan Club
Date: Tue, 14 Mar 2000 21:54:06 -0600
Organization: Lucasfilm, Ltd.
Hi, I'm George Lucas. As some of you know, I created the Star Wars saga. I hope you and your entire family have enjoyed it. Every day I receive hundreds of letters of appreciation from around the world, which I always try to personally reply to. It is truly an honor to be the recipient of such heartfelt praise. I guess it means I'm pretty important.
Life at Skywalker Ranch can get pretty hectic, but never so hectic that I can't take a minute out of my busy schedule to communicate with those who wish me well in my decades-long adventure to tell the tale of Luke and his buddies. My commute via motorcade is a quiet one. After arriving, I am shuttled via secret underground transit system through twisting tunnels, past numerous "suicide checkpoints", beyond dozens of hidden passageways, until at last I arrive in my microwave-proof bunker 10,000 feet beneath the surface of the Earth. Then I don my cape and headgear and settle down in a modest office to conduct the day's business. My secretarial assistant Melvin serves me Kool-Aid in a goblet shaped after the head of Mark Hamill.
The first order of business is to write personal replies to the many letters I recieve. This is done on a rotation basis by one of my interns. The second order of business is to spend hours and hours surfing the "Internet". After a short break for lunch, which I spend in the Chamber of Solitude with a mannequin of my ex-wife Marcia, I devote up to fifteen minutes working on the screenplay for Episode 2: "It's Vader!". A committee of Lucasfilm yes-men then rubber-stamps my ideas, and Rick McCallum performs a dance. Afterwards I take phone calls from my family members.
With the utmost discipline I cut off conversations with siblings, girlfriend, or children, and it is back to web-surfing until 6:00. It's not always long workdays here at Skywalker Ranch. Sometimes I just take the afternoon off and stroll through the underground park, attempting to befriend those in my employ, sometimes offering to respond to a single question, sometimes inviting them to a free-for-all game of Yahtzee. On other days, as the spirit moves me, I lie down on the floor in the middle of my office and stay there until nightfall.
Yet despite all this hard work, I cannot help but reflect on the devotion of my fans. Their cheers have so insulated me from reality that I can no longer bear to hear anything else. But how many of their cheers do I really hear? Even as tape recordings of desperate, awkward praises fill every corridor through the intercom system, what of those who have not yet flattered me in person? What of those who lack the resources to attend one of my many banquets or fetes, or those who cannot afford the minimum tithe of 26% of their income to become an honorary crony?
With that in mind, I am starting the George Lucas Fan Club. The membership fee is a mere $800 per year, with a special discount for Lucasfilm employees who make minimum wage. This is your chance to show how much you really like me. Are you really a George Lucas fan? This is the only way to prove it. In return for the nominal fee, you shall receive a photograph of me, a five-page annual newsletter, and a behind-the-scenes book, "The Genius of George Lucas, by George Lucas". In addition, all fan club members will be entered in a special contest to be held in July, with the randomly chosen winner allowed to write and star in their own scene to be inserted in the next special edition of "Return of the Jedi".
I'm probably as excited about this as you are!
May The Force Be With You,